Lately it’s occurred to me that most relationships cultivated between young adults, ages 19 to whenever you’re no longer a young adult, must have sex in order to thrive. I honestly don’t feel that sex is a necessity in having a good, healthy relationship, but of all the men I’ve dated, it seems to be the next step after a few “dates”.
When I’ve expressed my disinterest in sex, connections drop off all together, and the next thing I know, said guy is in a relationship with someone else. I mean, the particular situation I’m thinking about had a lot of other variables, but seriously? There wasn’t even any discussion about how things weren’t working out between us, there wasn’t chemistry, etc. True, I wasn’t even really “dating” the guy, but a little bit of honesty would have been nice.
But I digress; the purpose of this entry is whether not sex is important in a healthy relationship. Obviously, for some people, see exhibit A above, it is. However, I have engaged in conversations and have “talked” to some guys who say that sex is not something that they need, that they are more interested in the person as a whole, their personality. Some say that they’re more interested in cultivating something long term and wholesome versus the typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that winds up dissolving after a period of time.
What bothers me the most about these men though, is that since sex is obviously off the table, I seem to have to prove myself a lot more through personality and attitude.
I am very much aware that there is nothing wrong with who I am. True, I came out of my two-year relationship with the wrong concept of what a relationship was, but I’ve learned from a recent relationship that crashed and burned about what a relationship doesn’t consist of, and subsequently, what is necessary to keep one thriving.
I don’t see anything wrong with my believes, with my enthusiasm for some activities and my reservations for others. This simply makes me the person that I am; I am not guarded, I am not hesitant. I have done some… well, not reckless, but risque things before. (Quite a few of you would be shocked to ever see me so far out of my shell.) I am a generally happy person, though there are certain periods of time that harvest serious emotional swings. I’m laid back with a lot of lifestyles, whether you’re gay, into BDSM, asexual, a swinger, straight-edge, what have you. I don’t judge and I accept everyone for who they are. I love to laugh and make other people laugh. I enjoy intellectual conversations, light teasing banter, and even just conversations about nonsensical things.
This being said, I have been told that I am not out of my box enough; I’m too restrained in my choices. True, my personality and slightly conservative attitude towards some activities might hinder some people in their own choices, but I am justified in my reasons why I refuse to do certain things. I feel as if, since sex is not an option, wanting someone as “outgoing” and “free spirited” as you prohibits me from proving that I’m worthy for a relationship in other ways. What gets me is that these assumptions about my personality and persona came after only a few times of interacting with this particular fellow; if you’re really someone who enjoys others for themselves, it’s a bit hypocritical to pass such brash judgement so quickly.
I am happy with who I am, the choices I make. Unlike several acquaintances and past acquaintances, I do not need sex to be happy with my life. I have fulfilling friendships and activities, I have work and school to focus on, and a future that I want to see filled with ambitions accomplished.
There’s at least one person I know that I can think of that says that he just wants to get laid, as much as possible, because, y’know, he’s young, and, y’know, you only live once. (Forget relationships with this guy, it’s sex, sex and more sex!)
This is very true, we are young, and we do only live once (except for reincarnates but that’s a blog for a different day); why would you want to take the risk of getting an STD or having a baby so early and stunting the potential for the rest of your life? Now, I’m not chastising anybody for having a child at a young age; there are several of my friends that have children and they’re doing a wonderful job at balancing baby and life. I’m also not judging those that have/had STDs. However! There are always those that give up everything and are working dead-end jobs and paycheck to paycheck to pay for this child. There are those that are affected by diseases and lose work time, or get pushed out of their social lives because of their affliction.
I feel as if a successful relationship depends on more than just a physical lust and attraction. There has to be some kind of basis for intellectual meshing, the ability to talk about anything and have some kind of near productive result. There has to be loyalty and reliability within the two in said relationship. What about the simple foundation of friendship and simply enjoying each other’s company? There are many friends with whom I don’t have to go out and eat with or do anything with to be content with them, simply being in the same room with them vegging out or doing homework is enough.
Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I expect too much from guys in wanting anything but sex. Okay, well, I can’t really keep guys from wanting sex, to be honest, girls are just as rambunctious and horny, but there’s got to be a level of self-control and understanding that sex is more than just a recreational activity to some people. Sex has been abused in the past, it has been nothing more than a want to feel satisfaction and to know that things that are wanted can be had, but now, sex is something that needs more than just, “Oh, you’re hot. Let’s fuck.” or, “Well, you’re horny, I’m horny; there’s not really an attraction but let’s just get laid!”
Am I asking too much, looking for a guy who wants to put sex on the back burner? I’ve had my rebellious time, my dating time and playing the field time. I’m not looking for my ‘soul mate’ or ‘the one’ or anything like that, just someone that I can be in a consistent relationship with and not have to worry about finding a shoulder to lean on, or wondering who I can call when I need a friend the most. Maybe I’m just asking too much in what I feel contributes to a good relationship. Is sex really a must have for something real and substantial?